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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24870679">If Only</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/FestiveFerret/pseuds/FestiveFerret'>FestiveFerret</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Ultimates</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Difficult Emotions, Gay Panic, Hopeful Ending, Internalized Homophobia, Love, M/M, Mentions of Tony/Other, Open Relationships, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Sexuality, Sexuality Crisis, Steve Rogers Feels, The Horror of Being Attracted to Your Boyfriend</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:42:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,061</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24870679</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/FestiveFerret/pseuds/FestiveFerret</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve wasn't gay. He wasn't. He'd know that about himself. He had no problem whatsoever with men who were attracted to men - he was dating one of them - but it <i>wasn't him.</i></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steve Rogers/Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>671</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Team Angst, Tony Stark Bingo 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If Only</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Steve sunk into the couch cushions with a happy sigh. Tony was a solid line of warm weight against his side, one arm had long since slipped from the back of the couch to wrap around Tony's shoulders, and the TV was a soft murmur in the background. The surge of barely containable feeling that Steve had been holding in his chest lately rose up again, and he closed his eyes, willing it down. These evenings had become all too common over the last few months, and Steve couldn't be happier.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Or maybe he could.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony tipped his chin to the side, shifting deeper against Steve's chest, and said, clearly and firmly, "I'm in love with you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Silence fell for a moment as Steve tried to process those words. "Really?" He knew Tony cared for them, knew their friendship was deeper than most, but love?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony sat up, and Steve mourned his loss immediately. "Yes. I'm sorry if -"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No. I'm in love with you too," Steve tumbled out, heart pounding. "I've been feeling it for a while now."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh." Tony blinked at him, then a beautiful smile bloomed on his face, lighting him up. "Incredible…" he breathed, leaning in, telegraphing his movements.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve caught him around the waist and let him press forward, bringing their lips together. The kiss started soft and chaste. Steve could feel the alienness of Tony's beard scratching against his chin, but it was oh so nice to be this close to him, to hold him and be able to freely spill out all of the emotion he'd been reeling back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then Tony's tongue brushed along the seam of Steve's lips, and he snapped back, sitting up dead straight and twitching his fingers on Tony's waist. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sorry," Tony said immediately. "Too fast. My bad."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No, it's -" Steve chewed his bottom lip and tried to form his thoughts into words. It had been nice there, for a minute, to bask in Tony's love, but now he had to bring everything crashing down, and he was already hating the look he knew his confession would put on Tony's face. "It's not that it's too fast…"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony must have sensed something in Steve's voice because he rocked back further, out of Steve's arms, using a sip of his drink as an excuse to put careful space between them. "Alright." He swallowed, tense. "What's wrong?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve flushed, anxiety making his stomach churn. He reached out for Tony's hand and breathed a sigh of relief when Tony let him clutch it too tight, winding their fingers together. "I do love you, but… I'm not attracted to men," Steve finally managed to say. There was probably a better way to say it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I'm not gay? </span>
  </em>
  <span>but he didn't know which words were acceptable these days.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You're not -" Tony blinked at him for a moment. "Wow. Fuck." He ran his hand through his hair, dropping Steve's in the process and leaving him tetherless. "Well, I pretty much humiliated myself there, didn't I? I don't know how to tell you this, darling, I guess things were different in the forties, but men don't usually tell their friends they love them and then kiss them like </span>
  <em>
    <span>that. </span>
  </em>
  <span>So - uh yeah - I may have been temporarily confused, but now I'm going to go find the special prize at the bottom of a bottle of Lagavulin - hint: it's unconsciousness - and you can see yourself out."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony stood, and Steve dove after him, grabbing the sleeve of his sweater and tugging him back down onto the couch. "No!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony stilled, tension rippling across his shoulders. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You're my best friend, but it's more than that. I ache for you," Steve said, hoping the seriousness in his voice was audible to Tony. "I know the difference between platonic love and romantic love, Tony. I don't just love you, I'm </span>
  <em>
    <span>in </span>
  </em>
  <span>love with you. I want us to be together. I want you with me all the damn time. But… I'm not attracted to men. I'm sorry." He'd loved Jan </span>
  <em>
    <span>and </span>
  </em>
  <span>been sexually attracted to her, back when they were together. He knew what that felt like. His romantic love for Tony was even stronger than with her, but the other thing...</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony's eyes narrowed. "So you love me, want to be with me, but… but you don't want to have </span>
  <em>
    <span>sex</span>
  </em>
  <span> with me? Is that it?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I - I guess." Steve dropped Tony's sleeve and shifted on the couch. Maybe he </span>
  <em>
    <span>should </span>
  </em>
  <span>leave. This was all hopeless anyway. "I know it's not - I mean - I understand you won't want to -"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"So - one sec." Tony stood again and Steve let him go, watching helplessly as Tony took a turn around the couch. He paused at the bar, poured another drink, downed it, then turned back to Steve. "What </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> you want? In an ideal world. What do you want from me?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve licked his lips; he could still taste Tony there. "I don't know. I want - I want us to be together, partners, committed. I want you to belong to me. I want to be able to tell you I love you, hold your hand, share your space."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What about in public?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, I mean, I don't mind if people know, if that's what you mean?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony's brow creased. "You don't mind if they think you're gay?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve shrugged. "I don't care what they think. I assume that if I say I'm dating a man, that's exactly what they'll assume. But who I'm having sex with is none of their business so it really doesn't matter. They can think what they want. I just don't want to mislead </span>
  <em>
    <span>you." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"So you want to be my boyfriend in everything but the sex?" Tony's voice had gone low and contemplative.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yes, I suppose that's it. I want this, but I won't be able to give you what you need. I can't give you a sex life with me."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I don't care."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What?" It was Steve's turn to blink at Tony.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I don't care about sex. If you want to be with me, I'm in. I don't really care about the details as long as it involves a lot of you in my life."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"But Tony… you won't be happy. You're not - you can't - I know you -"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You know I'm a big slut?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve frowned. "I wasn't going to say that. But I know you need that kind of physical intimacy in your life, and I can't be the person stopping you from getting that."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony chuckled softly then crossed the room again to settle on the couch at Steve's side. He touched his fingers gently to the side of Steve's face and the rest of the world disappeared. "I don't care. Trust me. I just want to be with you. I want to be able to call you mine, come home and find you here waiting for me, hold your hand, kiss your cheek, tell you about my day. I want you to be the person I call when chemo gets bad, and I want you to call me when a mission goes wrong and you need someone to hold some extra ice packs. I want - God, Steve, the idea that you'd have me at all…"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve couldn't help it, his arms twitched around Tony of their own accord and he tugged him in against his chest, burying his face in his hair. "I want you," he whispered. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Just not the right way, </span>
  </em>
  <span>his traitor brain helpfully added, but Tony didn't seem to mind.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Perfect," he breathed, burrowing into Steve's chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They stayed that way for a long time, until Steve's shirt started to stick to him where Tony was breathing hot air against his skin. Tony eased back, eyes finding Steve's. "So what's okay?" he asked softly. "Can I hold your hand? Touch you? Hug - seems to be okay. Kissing?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yes. Yes to all of that. I don't mind being exposed to your… interest…" Steve said, wincing at the awkward choice of words. "I mean, I don't mind you - your -"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm allowed to be attracted to you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yes," Steve breathed out with a sharp puff of air. "I want to make you happy, make you feel good. I liked kissing you, especially if you like it. There's just - I won't - it doesn't really </span>
  <em>
    <span>do </span>
  </em>
  <span>anything, for </span>
  <em>
    <span>me.</span>
  </em>
  <span> In that way.</span>
  <em>
    <span>" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You can't get it up for dick," Tony summarized, and Steve dropped his face in his hands with a groan.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Crude, but yes… basically."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Alright. Okay." Tony blew out a puff of air into Steve's hair then ran his fingers across his cheek again. Steve looked up. "Okay. So just - you know - keep me posted. If I fuck up and take things too far, let me know."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Okay." Steve's skin felt like it was buzzing around him, shivery and on fire at the same time. Tony shifted forward again, settling on his lap, and Steve wrapped his arms tight around him. It didn't seem possible that he could so easily get everything he'd ever wanted. "Really?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Really." Tony leaned over and kissed the end of Steve's nose. "I love you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I love you too." It felt like coming home to trade those words. "Can I stay here tonight? Or is that -?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Of course. Stay forever. I'll get you a drawer, or a guest room, or whatever you want."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I… I'd like to stay in your room?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Even better."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They didn't watch TV for much longer. Eventually, Tony reached out and took Steve by the hand then led him to the bedroom, flicking out the lights on the way. As much as he trusted Tony, Steve's heart pounded at the thought that they'd be sharing a bed, that most couples taking this step would be expecting it to lead to something more. But Tony stripped down to his boxer briefs and climbed into one side of the bed, pulling a well-thumbed book off the side table and slipping on reading glasses so adorable they made Steve's breath catch. He kept his eyes on his reading while Steve tugged off his jeans and sweater, leaving him in a t-shirt and boxers. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He climbed into the other side of the bed and propped himself up on one elbow, watching Tony while he read. Tony's eyes slid over to him and he smiled. "Hey."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hey."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You sure you're okay with this?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve nodded. "I'll tell you when I'm not, okay? I don't want you to have to constantly be questioning everything all the time. That's not fair to you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Alright. I trust you." Tony set his book aside and placed his glasses on top then snuggled down, facing Steve. His fingers found Steve's side under the blankets and he petted up over his ribs. It was so nice, being that close to him, but when Steve mirrored his position and his fingers skated over Tony's ribs, there was still an echo of </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong </span>
  </em>
  <span>there. If only Tony were a woman, were in another body. That would make everything so much easier.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>**</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve set his wine glass down and leaned his cheek on his fist, waiting for Tony's attention to pull back to him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sorry, what?" Tony finally said, a full thirty seconds after Steve had stopped speaking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve quirked an eyebrow. "You could ask her out, you know?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony had the decency to blush. "I'm sorry, darling." He took a sip from his own glass. "My attention is all yours."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I wasn't kidding. You could ask her out."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony's expression clouded over. "Just because I have eyes in my head doesn't mean I'm not perfectly happy with you, sweetheart. There's no need to be jealous."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm not jealous," Steve said honestly. "What you want from her isn't something I can give you. And what I can give you, you don't want from her." He reached out and wound their fingers together across the table. "Tony you know I don't play around. I love you, and I've been incredibly happy the last four months, and I know you love me too, but I also know you have needs. I don't see why you couldn't… date, like you used to do. Casually."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony stuck a forkful of potatoes in his mouth, brow furrowed. He took his time swallowing. "Really? You wouldn't mind me spending some nights with someone else?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"As long as it was just some nights, yeah. You know, I have poker on Fridays. It could be…"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"My poke-her?" Tony twinkled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve groaned and shook his head, rolling his eyes affectionately. "Whatever makes you happy, Tony."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I don't need it."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I know. But you'd like it. And it costs me nothing to give it to you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony hummed. "But what about you? Are you going to expand your poker nights?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve gave it due thought. He let his gaze swing over to the beautiful, long-legged blonde leaning against the bar. She was stunning, Steve wouldn't lie and say he wasn't attracted to her, but the thought of chatting her up, inviting her home, all just to sleep together once and then move on… it just didn't appeal to him very much. He did have a sex drive, and he was certainly "taking care of things" on his own these days, but he wanted to have sex with the person he loved, and the person he loved happened to be a man he didn't want to have sex with. He turned back to Tony, shaking his head. "No, I don't think so. At least, not now. This is for you. I'm content."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony shifted, uncomfortable.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Tony… I know you're okay with not doing this. You don't have to keep telling me you're happy with what we have. I'm offering you this as an extra. And only if you want to."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Alright, darling. Alright. I'll think about it."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They fell back into comfortable conversation through the rest of dinner, discussing the Ultimates, Tony's renovation plans, and the last book Steve had read. It was cozy and easy and why Steve had fallen so hard for Tony, but he could see the gears turning. When they stood at the end of the meal and Steve started to shrug back into his coat, Tony's eyes flicked over to where the blonde woman was still seated by the bar.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You could go talk to her," Steve said softly. "If you want."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Really?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Really. I'll go back to my place tonight, and you and I can have brunch tomorrow."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony's eyes flicked back over to the woman. "Alright. I'll see how it feels to chat her up."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve smiled. "Good. I love you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Love you too. I'll text you and let you know if I succeed in working my charms." Tony leaned in for a kiss, but Steve stepped back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Don't you think that might hurt your chances a bit?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony grinned. "If I can't talk myself out of it, then I've truly lost my touch. But either way, it's not worth getting laid if it means I don't get to kiss you goodnight. Wouldn't trade that for the world."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve's heart fluttered. He let Tony lean in this time and press their lips together. "Goodnight."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Goodnight, sweetheart."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve stepped back out into the cool evening and hailed a cab, leaving Tony's private car to impress his date with. He watched the buildings flicker by as they cut down the street towards his apartment. He wasn't jealous, he really wasn't at all. If anything, the thought of Tony with that woman was a pleasing one. But it was… complicated. And Tony hadn't seemed entirely comfortable with it. Steve knew his preference would be to be with Steve, instead, but the thought of that made him feel off-kilter and unpleasant instead of aroused. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This would all be so much easier if only he were just gay.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>**</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve woke up suddenly to the click of the front door closing. He rolled over and looked at the clock. It was just past midnight, but apparently Tony was home already. Sometimes, on his "poker nights" he didn't come home until morning. Sometimes, he snuck back in earlier on. But if Steve was at Tony's place that night, he'd always been asleep when he did. More and more often, Steve was sleeping at Tony's whether he was there or not.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A shadow passed the door - Tony on his way to the guest bathroom, and Steve called out, "Tony?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A second later, Tony's head peeked in. "Sorry, darling. I didn't mean to wake you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's okay. I only went to bed half an hour ago. I was barely asleep."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I was going to take a shower."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve sighed. "Take one in the morning? I'd like to fall asleep together. If you're tired enough. But I won't make it until you're done showering."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Okay. Two minutes, sweetheart." Tony crossed the room to the en suite instead, and Steve heard the tap turn on. After a few minutes of toothbrushing and cleaning up noises, Tony reappeared and tossed his clothes into the hamper. He cut a sharp silhouette in the dark. He stepped into a fresh pair of boxers and climbed into bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve immediately reached out and drew Tony into his arms, burrowing into his neck. He smelled like unfamiliar perfume, surprisingly spicy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony shuffled, almost as if he was pulling away. "It doesn't bother you at all?" he mumbled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I smell like someone else, still have her fingerprints on me."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No - I -" Steve didn't know how to say he found it rather appealing, almost arousing, really. "I kind of… I want you to tell me about it."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Really?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah. I… I like knowing you're happy. That someone's making you feel good. I want to hear about you feeling good."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Okay…" Tony snuggled back up against Steve's chest, one arm around his waist, fingers finding Steve's and winding them together. "She was tall, almost as tall as me in her heels, and she had dark skin and brown eyes and curly hair, dyed red. She was only in town for a few nights so I went back to her hotel room with her. I knelt by the bed and ate her out until she came. Then I laid back and she straddled my hips and rode me."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony's voice dropped to a low purr, right into Steve's ear. "She was so hot and tight, I could barely hang on. As soon as she was wrapped around me, I wanted to come right there. The little noises she made… and we were trying so hard to be quiet so we wouldn't upset the neighbours, but when I did come, god, Steve, I yelled so loud."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve's mouth was dry and his heart was pounding. His cock was very, very interested, images of a beautiful woman rolling her hips on Tony's lap making his head spin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony's elbow shifted and brushed against the bulge in Steve's boxers. "You okay there, sweetheart?" Tony asked with a grin Steve could feel against his shoulder. "Need a hand?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve coughed. "I'm fine." His cock throbbed with the heavy beat of his heart and even though he wished Tony's hand would shift a little further south, he couldn't ask him to do that, not when it was a favour he couldn't return. Even though Tony was finding release his own way, it still didn't feel right to ask. It would feel cheap, like using Tony's body instead of making love to him, to close his eyes in the dark and let a hand be a hand, let Tony's whispered words about smooth skin and gasping moans push him over the edge.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He shook his head. "It's okay. I'm tired. Thank you for telling me, though."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Anytime," Tony said, something unusual twisted through his voice. "Anytime."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As Steve drifted off to sleep, he couldn't help but picture that woman on Tony's lap again. This would all be so much easier if he could just be </span>
  <em>
    <span>her. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Then he'd be interested in Tony that way. Then she wouldn't have to take his place.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>**</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve sat on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table. Tony was pressed up against his side, a magazine with no pictures and very fine print in his lap. He kept chuckling like it was exceptionally funny, but when Steve had peeked over his shoulder, he hadn't understood a word. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony finally finished his reading and tossed the magazine aside, stretching out long, before settling back against Steve's side. "How was the movie with Jan last night?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve half-shrugged, not wanting to dislodge Tony. "It was fine, I guess. I couldn't really follow all the jokes. How was… your night?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony stilled for a moment, his tongue running across his bottom lip. "You asking? Or you </span>
  <em>
    <span>asking?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve shifted a little, tugging his pants straighter. "You can tell me. I like hearing."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Okay… so I went to this club I know." Tony turned around so he was facing Steve, one leg crooked up on the couch cushion. "It's dark, but not too dark, you know?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve chuckled. "I really don't."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony grinned. He flopped on his back, feet stretched out across Steve's lap. Steve took one foot in his hand and started rubbing Tony's arch which made him groan obscenely. "Well, I decided I wanted to be the fish instead of the hook that night so I draped myself attractively across the bar and drank until someone reeled me in."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve pushed up so he could lean over Tony. He shuffled up until he could press a kiss to his lips. Tony hooked his neck and petted up through the back of his hair. He pulled Steve in for a deeper kiss. "He was beautiful. All muscles. Dirty blond."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"He?" Something about that made Steve's heart skip. He knew Tony slept with men too, but he'd never heard about it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, 'he.' Is that okay?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve nodded, short and sharp. He could feel the memories drawing a reaction from Tony's body and he shifted around to get more comfortable, sprawled over Tony but not wanting to crush him with his weight. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"We got a hotel room. He held me up against the wall, fucked my mouth with his tongue. He smelled like fucking pumpkin spice." Tony lifted his hips up then settled them down again but it ran the hard line of his cock along the inside of Steve's thigh. "He was horny, desperate, kept rutting up against me like an animal, and I let him do whatever he wanted. Bit the fuck out of my chest." Tony tugged down the hem of his shirt and there was a dark bruise staining the skin over his heart.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve couldn't stop his finger from reaching out and tracing the edges of it. When Tony flopped flat again, Steve followed him, pressing him into the couch cushions. Tony shifted his hips and it slotted Steve's thigh neatly between his legs. Steve kissed him, trying to find an outlet for the energy that was building up under his skin, and Tony moaned into it, dragging his cock up and down Steve's thigh with every thrust of his hips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>God, Tony was so hard, his breath coming in short pants. There was a sheen of sweat across his brow. Steve had never seen Tony aroused like this - he always took to himself to "handle things" - and it sharpened Steve's focus into one simple goal: get Tony off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He pressed down, letting his weight crush Tony just enough to make him groan and his breath to become even sharper. "Go on," he whispered into Tony's ear, letting his own hips roll with a matching rhythm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh - </span>
  <em>
    <span>oh fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span> - okay, so I pushed him back and onto the bed and got him out of his clothes before I climbed up on his lap. His dick was a thing of beauty, Steve -" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His name on Tony's lips - </span>
  <em>
    <span>this </span>
  </em>
  <span>Tony's lips - pushed a sharp huff of air out of Steve's throat and he pressed down harder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"- it was hard and not super long, but so thick. So I backed him up against the headboard and I rode him. He was strong enough to bounce me up and down on his cock, one hand teasing my nipples, the other digging bruises into my hip. I came so hard it covered his chest. And when he - when -"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve hooked a hand under Tony's knee and pulled up, shifting his hips so his cock pushed right against the meat of Steve's thigh.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"When he came," Tony gasped out. </span>
  <em>
    <span>"Nuh -</span>
  </em>
  <span> I could feel - feel it, feel him - </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck - </span>
  </em>
  <span>throbbing against my rim and I swear to god, I came - I came a second - </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck - Steve -" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony shuddered and groaned, holding Steve tightly enough it almost hurt. Steve flushed with pride at the way Tony was gasping and writhing under him, chest flushed with pink, eyes softly closed, lashes fanned over his cheek. Then Steve's hips rolled again without his permission and a new heat rushed through his veins. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was so hard, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so hard. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Steve pressed forward again. God, he was going to come, too. Every nerve in his body was wound as tight as a drum, and if he just - just a little more -</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Shit. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve ripped himself off Tony, flying across the room until his shoulder hit the wall. He'd been turned on. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>turned on. And because of Tony's story about him and another man. And because of Tony's orgasm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sweetheart?" Tony started to stand, and Steve fled to the bathroom. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He locked the door behind him and slid down until he was sitting on the floor. He dropped his forehead to his knees and breathed deeply, hands clenched into fists, until his erection subsided. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wasn't gay. He wasn't. He'd know that about himself. He had no problem whatsoever with men who were attracted to men - he was dating one of them - but it </span>
  <em>
    <span>wasn't him. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He swallowed heavily, throat aching. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was a soft knock on the door. "Steve? Darling? Are you okay?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve made a vague affirmative noise and there was a sigh from the other side of the door. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What's wrong?" Tony asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's fine, Tony. I just need…" Steve trailed off, entirely unsure of what he needed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's okay to be attracted to your boyfriend," Tony said, his voice twisted with frustration. "You can want to have to sex with me!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"But I don't!" Steve shoved up to his feet and whipped the door open to find Tony on the other side. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony winced back at Steve's anger, arms coming up to cross over his chest. "Wow. Okay. Fine. Nevermind. For someone who shares a bed with a man, kisses a man, calls a man your boyfriend, and tells the world he's dating a man, you have some serious, fucking issues with being gay, Steve."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm not." He meant it to come out like a growl, but it came out as a whine instead. "I don't. I -"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony took a step closer, and Steve was caught between the urge to grab him and pull him in and the urge to push him away. "When you say being attracted to men is fine for other guys, but it's beneath </span>
  <em>
    <span>you, </span>
  </em>
  <span>you're saying I'm beneath you too."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"That's not what I mean! Of course I don't think you're beneath me. You're twisting my words."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Why is getting off to two men together such a goddamn crisis? You don't care if other people think you do. Why does it </span>
  <em>
    <span>matter?!"</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve struggled around words he couldn't find the shape of. "It's… just </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> me. It's not me."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You know what? Fine. Fine. You have your gay crisis after dating me for a fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>year. </span>
  </em>
  <span>I'm taking a shower." Tony stalked off down the hall and a moment later, Steve heard the door click shut and the fan turn on.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve went to their bedroom and sat on the bed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It mattered. Somehow. It mattered. Because he knew himself, had known himself for thirty years now, and this was too much, too big to be figuring out this late in the game. It would be like finding out his name wasn't really Steve Rogers, or his parents hadn't been his parents. He was someone different, if this was who he was, wasn't he?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The water clicked on in the guest room, rushing through the pipes, and Steve thought about Tony. He was going to lose him. Even if they came back from this, even if Steve was here when Tony came out and he apologized and they fell asleep wrapped in each other's arms, and tomorrow it was like it never happened, Steve was still going to lose him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because it wasn't fair to put Tony through this, for Tony to have to deal with being pushed away time and time again. He deserved someone who loved all of him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not that Steve didn't.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Right?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He loved every inch of Tony, adored him, treasured him. In so many ways, the last year had been the best of his life. And if he'd asked himself three years ago if he could fall in love with a man, he would have said no. He'd accepted that, almost easily, because - he thought - hearts and minds weren't the same as bodies.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But wouldn't it be a good thing if he was aroused by Tony? It would be a good thing. He could bring Tony pleasure, see that look on his face more and more, not have to outsource their sex life. He could be a part of it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The thought still made him feel off-kilter, off-balance, but he closed his eyes and thought about the way Tony had gasped out his name right on the edge. His name. Not the name of some stranger. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Steve. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wanted to hear that again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And maybe it wasn't that he'd never known himself. Maybe Tony had changed him. His love for Tony had changed him. Or maybe there was a piece of him that had always been there but needed the right key to unlock.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At the end of the day, did it really matter?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had a simple choice: accept that this part of him was real and present and not going away, or watch Tony walk out the door forever.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The deep, aching, visceral fear he felt when he imagined Tony leaving hurt so much more than the idea of being a stranger to himself that he stood up. Tony was worth trying for. Tony was worth </span>
  <em>
    <span>changing </span>
  </em>
  <span>for.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve wiped his face, fingers coming away damp and made his way to the guest bathroom he knocked on the door. "Tony, can I come in?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was a moment of silence then, "Yeah but I'm dick-out, so if that would be traumatizing for you…" He could hear Tony rolling his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve opened the door and pushed in. Tony's back was to him, face under the spray from the shower. "I'm sorry."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony turned around and crossed his arms over his chest. There was a scary, vulnerable look on his face, a thin veneer of anger unable to cover it. "Can this wait until I'm done? I prefer not to be broken up with when I'm naked. It's awkward."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Just the words sent ice water through Steve's veins. "I'm not breaking up with you. God, no, Tony. Never. Don't even say that. I'd understand if all this -" he gestured vaguely to himself "- is too much for you and you want me to leave, but it won't be coming from me. No way. I love you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony softened, arms falling down to his sides. Steve wondered if any of the water droplets on his cheeks had been there before the shower. "So what do you want?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve sucked in a tight breath. "Can I join you?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"In the shower?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yes, please."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Okay." Tony still looked uncertain but he shuffled back a little. "If you want."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve stripped off his clothes; being naked around other men had never been a problem for him - he was in the army - but stepping into the shower with Tony's eyes on him and the echo of rubbing up against him for pleasure not ten minutes ago still throbbing under his skin, made everything feel tight and on-edge. Steve reached out and circled his fingers around Tony's wrist to ground himself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm sorry," he said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony sucked in a deep breath and let it out. "I hate that I have to ask this, but for what?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve made sure he pieced together the right words before he let them out. "For making this about us instead of me. For making you feel like there was a chance I might think anything about you was wrong or bad.  For letting myself hide instead of facing this, even though it was hurting you. I'm sorry."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony reached out tentatively and placed his hand over Steve's chest. "Okay. Thank you.'</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm… confused," Steve admitted. "I feel like I was so sure I knew who I was and now it feels like I don't know anything. I want to be strong and steady and sure for you, but I'm not. I'm scared… because I feel lost and I don't know what that means for the future."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony took a shuddering breath in. "That was hard to say."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve huffed out a laugh. "It was."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Thank you. For caring enough about </span>
  <em>
    <span>me </span>
  </em>
  <span>to say it. I've watched you struggling for this whole year, maybe more, but I knew if I said anything, if I pushed too hard, I'd just push you away. I don't want to lose you, seriously, Steve. I know I've made bad choices in the past, but you are the love of my life and no matter what happens between us, that won't change." He took a shaky breath. "But if being with me is hurting you -"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No. Please." Steve drew Tony closer, pressed their lips together once. "Don't say that."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Okay. Okay." Tony kissed him again. "I'm going to stop sleeping with other people."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve shook his head. "That's not what this is about. I'm okay with that, really. This is my problem. You shouldn't have to stop."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I know. And I know you're not asking me to. But I don't want to anymore. It makes me feel like I have half a foot out the door and I don't like that feeling. I don't need sex to be happy, Steve. I know you think I do, but I really don't. Besides, there's a whole wonderful world of toys and tools out there at my disposal. What I </span>
  <em>
    <span>do </span>
  </em>
  <span>need is intimacy. And you give me that. It scares the crap out of me when that intimacy upsets you, though. Not just for us, but for you. For your happiness."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve nodded. He curled his arm around Tony's waist like a dance hold and pulled him even closer. "I know. I'm sorry. I'll - I should talk to someone, shouldn't I?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"That'd be a good idea," Tony said against Steve's shoulder. "I can help you find someone?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yes, please."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"There's nothing wrong with you, sweetheart. You're just not done figuring yourself out yet. None of us are. I want to be a part of you doing that, though. If you'll let me."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve brushed his fingers along Tony's jaw and eased him back so he could meet his eyes. He let his thumb pet along the curve of Tony's bottom lip. "Not being done yet sounds better than being wrong." It sounded a lot better. It sounded like a journey, one he could have company on, instead of a collapse. "I want you to be a part of it too. A part of everything - of my life. I want to make you happy - in lots of directions. I want you to show me what makes you feel good and help me figure out what makes me feel good. I want to love you without qualifiers, and I think I want to marry you someday." He cleared his throat. That had kind of tumbled out without permission. "If you'll have me," he tacked on.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony grinned and leaned his whole weight against Steve's chest. The endless press of his smooth, wet skin against Steve's didn't feel wrong at all. That was nothing but right. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Just say the word, darling," Tony whispered, "and I'm all yours."</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Tony Stark Bingo:<br/>Collaborator Name: FestiveFerret<br/>Card Number: 3137<br/>Square Filled: S1 - Phobia<br/>Ship/Main Pairing: Steve/Tony<br/>Rating: E<br/>Major Tags: Gay Panic, Sexuality, Self-Discovery</p></blockquote></div></div>
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